Thursday, November 02, 2006

THE TEN... ERR... NINE COMMANDMENTS

I'm an adimate Fantasy Player. And no I don't mean D & D. I'm a vet when it comes to Fantasy Hockey (I still suck at it tho), and am a new jack with the Fantasy Football, and Fantasy Baseball. But I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm hooked. Fantasy Baseball, a game about a sport I, until recently, barely followed, surprsingly entertained me. The baseball season led me into the football season, and now I'm hooked. It's a full blown addiction. I'd even consider it a solid "hobbie". The number of hours I can spend tinkering with line-ups, haggling over trades, or contemplating add/drops is mind-baffling. Literally hundreds of hours are spent in front of a computer screen reading up on players, finding out who will start, who's hurt and who's on a cold or hot streak. Everyday things like relationships, work, and school are soon set aside for the glory of a Fantasy Win. Each and every Sunday is now spent watching football, and not only my beloved Chargers, but every game. I'm sitting on my couch, flipping from channel to channel, while my laptop sits on my lap with the stats for each game updating themselves live. I'm obsessed. I'm a man apart. FANTASY SPORTS ARE GLORIOUS.

However, as I've coached and GM'd the "Burnsy's Bruisers", the "Revello Charge", and "Burnsy's Mushroom Bruisers", I've realized that there is a code of ethics, or a "fantasy etiquette" if you will. To say it straight there are some things that piss me off about fantasy sports.

There are some things that are expected of you when you join a fantasy league, and if you are even considering joining one, read this list so your not the assclown of your league. Consider this the ten commandments for Fantasy Sports. That is if I can think of ten...

1. When you signing up for your league, pick a funny name. And now when I say a funny name, I should stress that it is NOT funny to randomly hit keys on your keyboard and claim that that is your team name. Ex: "dtgbt". Not funny. There are a plethora of funny names out there for your fantasy team, such as "Burnsy's Mushroom Bruisers", or "Houshamazilly". These are funny names, because they're not outrightly derogatory of obvious to the unlearned fantasy player, but rather they have a history in and of themselves, and provide humor to anyone who may have been involved in Fantasy Football.

2. If you want to stand a chance in your league, show up for your fantasy draft. The worst mistake you can make in Fantasy is starting off with a bad team. It will leave you crippled for the entire team and in a place where you are constantly hunting on the waiver wire for useful players. As fun and rewarding as that may be, your never going to win a championship with a bunch of dudes off the waiver wire. And remember, take a kicker early. The good ones go fast.

3. Do your research. If the last time you watched an NHL game, the Montreal Canadiens were in the finals, hook yourself up to the internet and do a little research. Find out who the good players in the league are NOW. Hell, if your too lazy to do any substantial reading, just check the stats page of the previous year. That should give you a pretty good idea of who you want this year. And please note, the following players have retired: Doug Gilmour (fag), Wayne Gretzky (greatest player ever) and God forbid Tie Domi (Belinda Stronach).

4. Know what will win you games in your league. If your league rewards 3 pts for a goal and 1 pt for an assist, or if your league gives lots of points to RB's and none to QB's, or if SB's are worth triple what HR's are worth, make sure you've loaded up on the right players. Nothing like taking Peyton Manning in a league where rush yards are worth double what pass yards are.

5. Don't ask your buddies in the league for help. Your best friend may be in the same league as you, and your best friend may not touch your sister even if she is Jessica Alba, but when it comes to Fantasy Sports it is cut-throat. Your best friend who saved you from drowning when you were 6 years old is the same friend that would give you Neil Rackers for LadDainian Tomlinson.

6. Check your league regularily. I don't care if you aren't obsessed with Fantasy Sports. I know what your saying, "Burnsy, how could you watch 8 hours of football every Sunday? I only want to watch my team play, cause I have a real life.". Well it's not the end of the world if you don't obsess over your team, but at least have the respect for you competitors to check in on the league on a regular basis. Check in and see if there's some trade offers on your table. Check to see that your not starting someone who's been on the IR for two months. Have some friggin self-respect.

7. If someone offers you a trade, have the common sense and decency to either REJECT or ACCEPT the trade. There is nothing more frustrating than offering someone the blockbuster trade of the year, and them not responding for four weeks. Finally, after four weeks of looking at the trade they intended on rejecting on Day 1, they accidently bump the reject button and crush your dreams of the trade of a lifetime. You've had your hopes up for the entire four weeks thinking that they must be thinking long and hard about it, only for them to have no interest at all in what your pursuing. This is EASILY the most annoying thing about fantasy sports.

8. If your gonna trash talk your Fantasy Sports message board, please think about what you type before you randomly type whatever comes to your mind at the moment. There is nothing worse than feeling like you just got trash talked by someone who doesn't possess a grade 3 education. They are mis-spelling words like a Grade 2 autistic quadrapalegic at a spelling bee for junior highs, and bragging up their kicker who scored them 13 pts and won them the game. Noone can read or understand what you're saying, and even if they could they probably wouldn't care cause if you're in Grade 2, autistic, and a quadrapalegic, then you're probably in dead last in your league. Go roll home.



9. When you win your league, and your the Champ, give everyone a peice of your mind. Take a page from the Ocho Cinco library of trash talk, and let everyone know how good you are. Compose a well written draft explaining how you've exposed their every weakness and dominated them like a leather bound sex-fiend. Let it all out.

10. Shoot,.. I think all i got is 9...

That's all I got.

7 Comments:

Blogger b00erns said...

Shoot, one thing I forgot. Stacking your team with all Maple Leaf players definately won't turn out for you in the end. Only douche bags do that. LOL.

11:43 PM  
Blogger LBomb said...

You were right. This is a good post.

11:46 PM  
Blogger 2 FN LO said...

"Ricci is Ugly" is by far the best Fantasy League team name ever, hockey or otherwise. In fact it is even better if used for a Football fantasy league.

Unfortunatley for the 6661373308 other people living on this planet, they were all too unintelligent to think of this name, and I own the rights.

2FNLO for the win.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Luke said...

Good post.

some really interesting points.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Hendy said...

What does that even mean? I know I don't have a great name.. but 2 fn lo? Come on man, at least brag yourself up about something worthwhile

10:32 PM  
Anonymous Mist said...

I liked the pic at the end, quite a classy touch to the commandments!

1:55 PM  
Blogger 2 FN LO said...

Hendy the conversation was about Fantasy League team names.......ass.

Don't you have to go sing about how your wife/dog/pick up truck left you?

6:54 PM  

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